When you feel down...

So the past few days has been an odd one for me. I've not really felt my best, I've felt a bit down and all over the place. And then confused because I'm never normally like that as I'm normally an amazing and beautiful person (I clearly joke but I'm normally really happy). And then I felt really unhappy but that was because Jim won Big Brother and clearly anyone else at all should have won. And then I was over the moon because I passed my next level on Candy Crush. I crush candy until I die. 

And when I get sad I never really know what to do because as I'm known as the happy and cheerful one I always feel a bit awkward going to people and talking about being sad. Maybe because I feel that people won't take me seriously or won't listen or won't care. And I know that's so so stupid because I definitely have some of the best friends in the world. But I never know how to start a conversation about feeling shit as I don't really want to bother people and it's way awk if they don't reply to those kinds of texts. 

But anyway, this week I wasn't myself and when I'm not myself I like to try and figure out what's causing it so I can smash life all over again. Because I think why sit there and wallow if you can fix it? Obviously it's not always that easy and I, as much as the next gal, love a bit of dramatic self pitying, but if you can make yourself feel better, then definitely always do it. Life's too short to cry your eyes out, whilst listening to Westlife's greatest hits. Unless you're pretending you're in a music video, in which case it is ALWAYS alright. 

I soon realised that two major things that were bothering me:

     1) Panic about what to do after graduation: travel? work? live a lonely life with no money or food or friends? Everyone seems to have exciting plans and this caused me to have a mini breakdown. Travelling is an amazing idea but I have no money and it's way too awkward to ask someone to come as I can't face rejection. There's a few options but as I have £0 to my name, I won't even be going on a Groupon to Southport at this rate :'( I'm going to do a main blog on all of this so stay tuned!

    2) I haven't had much social contact recently. See, I'm a person who thrives on socialising, whether it's in person, over text, even a favourited tweet will make me happy. It's probably because I am a social whore. I like time on my own now and again but i'd rather spend all my days talking to someone. So when I go even a day with no social interaction, I start to feel like a recluse. If it happens for 2 days I then dramatically worry people I've forgotten I exist. But it's only so dramatic because I'm a drama queen. If I go for over 3 days without a text I start to hate everyone and everything which most likely leads to a passive aggressive tweet about hating life (we all do it). I do love a good text you see, and a good catch up but as I'm the social whore and mostly always send the first text it can be annoying when I'm always the one to make the first move. I may sound like a bitch but I think it should be equal in who makes the effort. You wouldn't stand for it in a relationship, and I think at this age friendships are more important. Friends are always there for you, through thick and thin (if they're any good). Maybe that's because I'm single and see friends missing out on amazing nights out and memories but you're only young once aren't you? So when people never text me I can get a bit down because I feel that sometimes I'm the only one who cares about the friendship and I know that's not the case but you can't really rationalise a drama queen's feelings. And there's some people I haven't spoken to at all this week, or in the past few weeks because they haven't bothered to make the effort for once. It's probably pathetic that I felt like this but I think everyone reaches their limit with some people. In my group of friends, home or within uni, I'm nowhere near the leader or one of the favourite people, I'm just the one who plans the nights out and makes a joke out of any occasion. But I think sometimes people think I'm just the planner and the person who's up for a laugh on a night out so go to others for the friendship confiding bit and just come to me when they want a drink. And much against popular opinion I don't want to drink every night, I have my one big night out a week and that's it. It's so annoying when people just see me as the person who wants to get smashed because it makes me feel like that's the only reason they are mates with me - just so they definitely have plans on a Friday night. Because I'm loud and confident and can be very open about all my opinions, I think sometimes I am dismissed as insensitive and dramatic. And just because I am a drama queen doesn't mean any of my problems should be dismissed. And it's pathetic and probably everyone feels like this, but sometimes I do think a lot of people don't really give a shit because they don't always show it. I hate feeling like that because confidence wise I have came so far in the past few years (full story to come) that I hate feeling how I did in school and sixth form. But hopefully people do care. 

So maybe people just see me as the immature one who's overweight and who wants to just get drunk a lot. But I hope not because that's nothing like who I am. Yes I'm fat and love to get smashed whilst destroying my dignity, but I'm also funny and a fabulous friend who is there for anyone and everyone. And yes, I would happily socialise every minute of my life if I could. 

And I'm very very sassy.

xxx

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Weight Loss War!

I didn't want to just start my blog tonight on 1 post, so i thought I would plough on and do one more tonight, one that is probably quite deep, for a change. It may even be intense, or controversial, get excited please. 

As stated before, the initial reason to start this blog was to record my weight loss journey, but then I figured I didn't just want to focus on that because it would be horrendously boring. No one ever wants to read about lettuce (which I am legit allergic to by the way). I did however want to an initial post to explain all about it. 

I've been overweight ever since I remember and honestly, it doesn't cause me any problems at all. When I was younger I used to get abuse constantly walking through the streets which I obviously hated then but now I think it has made me a stronger person today. Plus I have heard every fat insult under the sun! I used to get really upset about thinking that I was going to be single forever and now I realise that's the lamest thing ever and if you're single it means you can stay out as late as you want, drink as much as you want, and talk to who you want. I still get abuse now and again, mostly in shit indie clubs in Liverpool by "LADS" who wear low v necks or think they're God's gift by snorting any substance going. But I'm always drunk so I kick off at them and it doesn't phase me as much. I just don't visit those types of places now as I don't really want to enter the "lion's den" so to speak. That's why I go to the same particular place in town every week. Because I know I won't get trouble there and if I do, they will be kicked out. And I think that's why it bothers me so much when people complain that I go there so often, because for me, it's not as easy to go to other clubs because of the comments and that. However I'd say I probably have the same self esteem issues as most girls, and that's mostly brought on by alcohol. I feel that sometimes, in the press, being overweight gets a really bad rep and we're all a bit worthless and crying on the inside but I can assure you, Katie Hopkins, that I definitely am not. I think being fat has made me funnier, more confident and and thicker skinned. People think 'thin' girls have it all: the perfect job, the perfect boyfriend, the perfect life but perfection is boring and perfect people definitely don't send hilarious snapchats like I do. 

I've decided to lose all my weight this year, 2014, because it's a defining year in my life. I will graduate, I will attend my first wedding of a friend (which I am majorly excited for), I turn 21, then I am lost in my lack of prospects. And these are all things which I would love to visually look a bit nicer for. I would also love to go on holiday this year, and to V Fest - both of which I did last summer and it was amazing but slightly tarred by the amount of abuse I got there, especially at V. I don't want to let dickheads ruin my life, so why bother giving them something to shout about. A major plus side also is the amount of new checked shirts I will be able to buy too!!!

I've joined the gym, and have started eating healthily. I refuse to give up alcohol because it is perfection in a bottle. I have a lot of support from friends which makes it a lot better because if I don't lose weight, it's just going to be awkward after talking them all about my plans. Hopefully I will end 2014 talking about this journey on This Morning with Holly and Phil. If that doesn't happen, I will cry and comfort eat to a size 40000. 

And now I don't really know what else to write here and how to end this touching post. Only by saying, if you see me eating cake, let me eat cake because either I've had a bad day, or the cake is amazing.

The awkward first post...

Hello all! I say all, it's most likely to just be my mum, so Hello Julez!

As it's my final year in university and I have lots and lots of work to do with lots and lots of pressure, I decided this would be the perfect time to start a personal blog! I've been intending to do this for quite some time as I have an awful lot to say and I'm pretty sure everyone I know wouldn't mind just hearing my voice a little bit less. 

I should probably introduce myself first, just on the off chance a charming stranger has come across this page. Here's 10 fabulous facts:
 1) My name is Becca
 2) I am a 20 year old with the mind of a 5 year old but the alcohol obsession of      a 14 year old who has just discovered WKD
 3) I have the personality of a camp gay man trapped inside an 80% lesbian's body which is why I use the word fabulous a lot and why I am very dramatic about EVERYTHING. 
 4) Adele is the queen of the world. Closely followed by all girl bands.
 5) I only ever wear colourful tshirts, checked shirts and skinny jeans. If you suggest to me that I should wear a dress, I probably won't like you. Unless it's for a particular birthday or wedding
 6) I have a lot to say on a lot of things unless it's serious things and then in that case I will switch off and just imagine things in my mind like what it would be like if I was on the X Factor
 7) I worship all reality TV, no matter how terrible it is (I'm talking to you, the early 00s series about Butlins Redcoats - absolute classic though)
 8) I get easily excited about everything
 9) I am the funniest person I know but probably about the 12th funniest person you know
10) I have a twin. 

I feel that those 10 facts give you an insight into who I am, but it's only scraping the surface. Probably. 

So what's to come of this blog I hear you roar? I'm going to write about all sorts! It originally started with a plan to record my journey of my weight loss, which WILL happen this year. But then I thought that might be a bit too boring so I will now expand into truly sassy posts. So you will get to hear about my boring weight loss, but also about my depressing life, my dramatic nights out, my thought provoking thoughts on thought provoking shows like Made in Chelsea, and I don't really know what else. But it'll be quite alright. I'm also starting a YouTube channel with hopefully my husband and that will also be fabulous so look forward to that. 

I apologise for this awkward introduction but it hasn't been too bad has it. I will now end it as I hope to end all posts by asking you to keep reading, share this page everywhere, and if you fancy commenting feel free, I accept all compliments, abuse and suggestions for what to write about.

Tar.