When you feel down...

So the past few days has been an odd one for me. I've not really felt my best, I've felt a bit down and all over the place. And then confused because I'm never normally like that as I'm normally an amazing and beautiful person (I clearly joke but I'm normally really happy). And then I felt really unhappy but that was because Jim won Big Brother and clearly anyone else at all should have won. And then I was over the moon because I passed my next level on Candy Crush. I crush candy until I die. 

And when I get sad I never really know what to do because as I'm known as the happy and cheerful one I always feel a bit awkward going to people and talking about being sad. Maybe because I feel that people won't take me seriously or won't listen or won't care. And I know that's so so stupid because I definitely have some of the best friends in the world. But I never know how to start a conversation about feeling shit as I don't really want to bother people and it's way awk if they don't reply to those kinds of texts. 

But anyway, this week I wasn't myself and when I'm not myself I like to try and figure out what's causing it so I can smash life all over again. Because I think why sit there and wallow if you can fix it? Obviously it's not always that easy and I, as much as the next gal, love a bit of dramatic self pitying, but if you can make yourself feel better, then definitely always do it. Life's too short to cry your eyes out, whilst listening to Westlife's greatest hits. Unless you're pretending you're in a music video, in which case it is ALWAYS alright. 

I soon realised that two major things that were bothering me:

     1) Panic about what to do after graduation: travel? work? live a lonely life with no money or food or friends? Everyone seems to have exciting plans and this caused me to have a mini breakdown. Travelling is an amazing idea but I have no money and it's way too awkward to ask someone to come as I can't face rejection. There's a few options but as I have £0 to my name, I won't even be going on a Groupon to Southport at this rate :'( I'm going to do a main blog on all of this so stay tuned!

    2) I haven't had much social contact recently. See, I'm a person who thrives on socialising, whether it's in person, over text, even a favourited tweet will make me happy. It's probably because I am a social whore. I like time on my own now and again but i'd rather spend all my days talking to someone. So when I go even a day with no social interaction, I start to feel like a recluse. If it happens for 2 days I then dramatically worry people I've forgotten I exist. But it's only so dramatic because I'm a drama queen. If I go for over 3 days without a text I start to hate everyone and everything which most likely leads to a passive aggressive tweet about hating life (we all do it). I do love a good text you see, and a good catch up but as I'm the social whore and mostly always send the first text it can be annoying when I'm always the one to make the first move. I may sound like a bitch but I think it should be equal in who makes the effort. You wouldn't stand for it in a relationship, and I think at this age friendships are more important. Friends are always there for you, through thick and thin (if they're any good). Maybe that's because I'm single and see friends missing out on amazing nights out and memories but you're only young once aren't you? So when people never text me I can get a bit down because I feel that sometimes I'm the only one who cares about the friendship and I know that's not the case but you can't really rationalise a drama queen's feelings. And there's some people I haven't spoken to at all this week, or in the past few weeks because they haven't bothered to make the effort for once. It's probably pathetic that I felt like this but I think everyone reaches their limit with some people. In my group of friends, home or within uni, I'm nowhere near the leader or one of the favourite people, I'm just the one who plans the nights out and makes a joke out of any occasion. But I think sometimes people think I'm just the planner and the person who's up for a laugh on a night out so go to others for the friendship confiding bit and just come to me when they want a drink. And much against popular opinion I don't want to drink every night, I have my one big night out a week and that's it. It's so annoying when people just see me as the person who wants to get smashed because it makes me feel like that's the only reason they are mates with me - just so they definitely have plans on a Friday night. Because I'm loud and confident and can be very open about all my opinions, I think sometimes I am dismissed as insensitive and dramatic. And just because I am a drama queen doesn't mean any of my problems should be dismissed. And it's pathetic and probably everyone feels like this, but sometimes I do think a lot of people don't really give a shit because they don't always show it. I hate feeling like that because confidence wise I have came so far in the past few years (full story to come) that I hate feeling how I did in school and sixth form. But hopefully people do care. 

So maybe people just see me as the immature one who's overweight and who wants to just get drunk a lot. But I hope not because that's nothing like who I am. Yes I'm fat and love to get smashed whilst destroying my dignity, but I'm also funny and a fabulous friend who is there for anyone and everyone. And yes, I would happily socialise every minute of my life if I could. 

And I'm very very sassy.

xxx

P.S. If you enjoyed this, please comment and share!