The festive period is upon us. At the time of writing, Christmas is literally tomorrow. I'm a fan of Christmas. I love a good festive jumper. I love a good mulled wine. I love a good present, no matter how shit it is. If it's really shit, I won't even sell it on eBay - only because I'm officially banned from it for life but it's the thought that counts. Some say Christmas is a big family time, and it probably is. I don't have a close extended family so I spend most of it with the parents and the family I choose, my best friends because they are a lot more fun than a rogue unsassy relative who doesn't know what a strong eyebrow game is, or even what my actual name is. I'm not about that life.
But whoever you spend your Christmas with, you're going to have your hurdles, and you're definitely going to want to be drunk by the end of it. Which is where I come into it. Welcome to my official Christmas drinking game. Applicable to any drink over 9%. If you're drinking below then please assess your priorities in life, you may as well drink lemonade. If you are being a weakling, then double any amount listed below. You are all welcome.
Please note: this is a tried and tested way of having a good Christmas. I trialled it a few years ago when a few rogues where in attendance and it works like a treat, and since then it is now a Fadden family tradition.
Drink once when...
...when someone says "Merry Christmas" or anything of that note.
...when someone talks about "what a nice day it has been" or anything of that note.
...when ever you receive a Christmas text from someone who you forgot actually existed.
...whenever someone jokes about not liking turkey. And then proceeds to have 10 plates of Turkey.
...for every bite of Christmas Pudding that you have. Lord knows everyone needs help eating that stuff.
...when ever a family member blatantly exaggerates a story to another family member.
...when ever someone mentions how full they are and couldn't possibly eat another thing.
...when every that same person eats another thing.
...when someone you don't want to talk to decides to talk to you.
...you're asked "what you're up to nowadays".
...you see a Christmas selfie on any social network. Animals included.
...when a board game is brought out.
...when someone gets in a mood about losing that board game.
Drink twice when...
...everytime you see a Christmas jumper. Even if it's the same person walking in and out of the room.
...for every drunk text you send. It'll happen. Suffer the consequences. God help whoever is in my contact book.
...for every successful family member that is NOT you is mentioned.
...when ever someone falls asleep.
...if someone awkwardly mentions religion.
...if someone makes a terrible joke. Not including cracker jokes. They're hilarious.
...for every argument you have.
Drink three times when...
...everytime your mum cries at the Downton Abbey finale.
...a relative tells you that you've put on weight.
...a relative tells you that you've lost weight.
...for every unfunny Snapchat you receive off a rogue, with them probably wearing a Christmas cracker hat.
...for every hilarious Snapchat you receive off me.
...some dick posts a photo on Facebook of all the presents bae got them. Bonus drink if it includes an essay status about how in love they are.
...for every awkward family selfie you have to see on Facebook or Snapchat. No. If my mum wants a photo with me she can come to the Raz smoking area on Friday night and get one then, after buying me a drink.
Take a shot when...
...someone references a dead relative. RIP. Pass the tequila.
...your mum shouts at you for "getting in the way" when you were just topping up your drink because someone has cried.
Down your drink...
...if someone cries. If you've got a drama queen amongst you, get ready to be drunk quickly.
...if someone sings Adele. Good luck to whoever I see tomorrow.
...if someone dies.
...if you run out of Yorkshire Puddings.
...when someone inevitably announces their engagement on Facebook.
...in any awkward silence.
...if you get a card with no money in.
I thoroughly hope you enjoy this game and your Christmas. If you're sober by 10.30pm I truly admire you and everything you've been through. I won't be.
Stay Sassy xo
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