Firstly, apologies for the 5-month delay on a new blog. I’d love to say
I’ve been exotically travelling to some far away land or had some life-changing
event occur but essentially it’s just been filled with a lot of wine, Netflix
and tweeting about the wine and the Netflix. Plus a lot of nights out with my
faves. But now I’m actually going to post regular blogs and get a grip of my
life out. Sort of. So here we go…
Snapchat. You know what they say, can’t live with it, can’t live without
it. I can’t live without it. I am obsessed. Probably because it allows me to
nose at other people’s lives without feeling like the true Facebook stalker I
know I am. It also gives me another place to shamelessly post selfies when my hair
looks nice on that one day each year and on every other day of the year when it
looks less nice. I’ll openly admit I’m a nightmare on Snapchat. I am that girl
who’s story is over 130 seconds long and it’s full of me pouting, miming to
songs and 10 second moments from my night out which I think is hilarious but is
really absolutely diabolical when I see it the next day. I accept all of that,
and still carry on. And I genuinely think I’m hilarious. However it has come to
my attention that there are so many people who need to calm their Snapchat game
down, and being the kind citizen I am, I’m going to point each one of them out
now.
N.B. If I’ve got you on Snapchat and you’re one of these poor souls,
don’t take offense. If you were that annoying I would have deleted you already.
1) The ones who clearly do have someone from Tinder on there
You can see them from a mile away. Their selfies are always on point.
Any video is put up to show that they are clearly hilarious and know how to
have fun. They will put up many a group shot and group video to prove they have
friends and don’t really need an extra addition to their lives, even though
they are on Tinder and want you to message them back immediately. And you know
they are checking regularly to see if that one true Tinder love has seen their Snapchat.
And as soon as they have, up goes another on point selfie. They wouldn’t be
seen dead posting an average photo of themselves up. I’m not even ashamed, this
was definitely me when I was single, no regrets.
2) The ones who clearly don't have someone from Tinder on there
This group just doesn’t care. They will post a horrendous hungover photo
of themselves. They will post an after gym sweaty selfie. If they’ve tragically
caught the flu they will happily post their ill looking face for us all to see.
They’re also not bothered if they seem interesting. Whether it’s walking to the
shop or watching Emmerdale, we all get to see it because they’ve got no one
they are trying to impress. Maybe they’re in a relationship. Maybe they don’t
care what people think. Maybe they are just boring characters. But I would much
rather post 5 selfies of myself pouting than a photo of me going the gym.
Mainly because that would require me to go to the gym.
3) The one who snapchats their food, like all the time
If I’ve seen one filtered photo of a burger from the latest hipster food
place, I’ve seen them all. We get it, you’re pretending that you’re cultural
and going to the latest food craze and want to tell everyone you do something
else apart from drinking Sambuca on a Friday night. 1 picture is bearable. A
photo of every single meal you’ve ever eaten is hell. And even worse than this is
the ‘Eat Clean’ brigade. I don’t care that you eat kale and blueberries for
fun, if you want to eat nature and less calories than my dog, go wild, just
don’t bother telling me about it. You’ll put my microwave chicken tikka masala
for one to shame.
4) The one who sends you a snap AND puts it on their story
Don’t do this. No matter how good the snap is, I don’t want to see it
twice. And if I did I would rather just rewatch it over and over again on your story
like an absolute creep.
5) The Z List celebrity who are constantly “working” doing personal
appearances in every below average club that exists
They’re normally from TOWIE or Geordie Shore. The days consist of them
sitting in cars telling the front facing camera they have a “busy day of work”
ahead of them. The nights consist of them standing in the DJ booth of a shit
club shouting into the same front facing camera. And yet I still watch every
second of Ferne McCann’s Snapchat story. Every day.
6) The one who constantly has the 300-second long snap of their
boring dull life
Oh dear god. This is the person who posts ever little thing they do
every day on their story. You are lucky enough to see them getting to wherever
they are going. You are even luckier to see everything they do when they get to
that place. And to top it all off you get to see what they do when they get
home. These are the type of people that are literally giving you RSI from too
much repetitive clicking to make it end quicker. These are also the people who
love the new Snapchat filters so much that you’ve seen them vomiting rainbows
more times than you’ve ever actually vomited yourself.
7) The one who's always in the bath on their story
There’s always one. Normally captioned something like ‘Hard day at
work’. If it was that hard you’d be crying into a glass of wine, not showing us
your naked legs hidden under some soap bubbles. Girl, get a grip.
8) The one who's always in work and never likes to shut up about
it
You’ve seen the insides of their staffroom more times than you’ve been
in yours. You know their working hours because of how much they tell you that
they are “bored in work lol”. No.
9) The one who sends their whole night out every single weekend
This is me. Every single weekend without fail you wake up and begin
watching. Not realizing it is a 5 minute epic adventure beginning with a
selfie, then predrinks which slowly descends into chaos with a variety of
selfies with various friends, then onto town which is a lot of music you can’t
quite hear over the shouting of the people in the video and then normally
ending with a photo of food, a video of a taxi driver or if you’re really
lucky, a video of their friend basically dying. And if you think that’s enough,
there’s always a hungover photo coming the next day. Trust me, it’s a lot worse
for the poster who watches it with all the shame in the world whilst struggling
to remember who all the rogue group selfies in the smoking area are with. And
this will happen every weekend ever until Snapchat ceases to exist.
10) The one who spends too much time with bae
I’ve mentioned before how annoying couples are on social media. And
Snapchat is no different. These are the people who constantly send photos of a
cocktail captioned “date night” and their story consists of constant couple
selfies and the overuse of the heart emoji. If I, a social media and Snapchat
whore, can manage to be in a relationship and not Snapchat the shit out of it,
than all of you mere mortals can too. Because I can promise you not a single
person has ever cared about what you and bae are up to. I care more about the
economy in Latvia. And I don’t care about that. There’s a rule all annoying
social media couples should follow: ‘Will every single person I know find this
interesting or is it just me who thinks this photo of us sharing a portion of
fries is adorable?” I can assure you that it’s just you. And I can assure you
that sharing a portion of fries is the worst idea, get one each you cheap basic
bitches.
11) The ones who post the same snapchats just with slightly different
captions
Normally occurs on group holidays or group outings that you weren’t
invited on. They all post the same picture including an inside joke but with a
slightly different caption because they are “individual” when really they are
all just as dull as each other. And the stories always last a lot longer than
they should because we forget how essential it is to see every single angle of
the shit cocktail pitcher they are all sharing. No no.
So there you have it. A breakdown of the types of people on Snapchat. I
would be lying if I said I’ve not been most of these people at least once in my
life. And I’m definitely a drunk snapchatter for life. Thank you for reading
this and if you’ve been deeply offended by something you’ve read because I’m
friends with you on Snapchat, then maybe just reassess your life. But if you’ve
found this even slightly entertaining then share it and I’ll love you for a
substantial amount of time.
Stay Sassy xo
P.S. Credit to Emma Fadden and Beckie Mcdermott for giving me these ideas, long you long time
P.S. Credit to Emma Fadden and Beckie Mcdermott for giving me these ideas, long you long time
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