An Eternally Single Girl's Guide to Valentine's Day

As Valentine's Day is coming up on Saturday, I decided what better way to celebrate it than with a themed blog post! A massive thank you to Tina Parry for this suggestion, and here's hoping I do it justice. No pressure. At all.

Essentially Valentine's Day is a load of shit. It's pointless. If you need a day for your other half to prove how much they love you, then your relationship is clearly dying. You may as well get yourself on Tinder now. I'm obviously single and I obviously don't have a Valentine. Unless Lucy Spraggan plans to ask me out in the next 48 hours. But that's not why I hate it. In fact, I don't even properly hate it, as it's a perfect excuse for a big night out and a weekend drinking wine with "the girls". But I'll come to that later. For me, it's just a day. I wouldn't notice it existed if it wasn't for everyone around me saying when it was and how it exists. I care more about the economic climate in Latvia. Which I really don't care about - no offence to Latvia. However a lot of people care about February the 14th. And a lot of people have strong opinions on it. So I've done my research, meaning I've done nothing at all, and I've found that there's 6 main groups of people on Valentine's Day. And here they are:


1) "I love my bae and he bought be 250 roses so here's 21 instagrams of it"
Oh god, here we go. These are both my least and most favourite people on social media. They're annoying as hell but I get so much joy taking the piss out of them that it almost seems worth it. I don't think one sane person has ever seen a status about someone's "boy/bae/one/soulmate/girl" and thought it was cute. And if they have, it's only because they put up one about 30 minutes earlier. These kind of people enjoy posting regular updates about their relationship, about how happy they are, and all the dates they go on. They love nothing more than a filtered photo of a meal or cocktail they've just bought together, and they use all the emojis with hearts in far too often. We all know the type. As you're reading this you've got the name of someone in your head. And if you haven't? Then it's probably you. I only excuse this behaviour if there's an engagement, marriage or baby, in which case, may you get all the likes as you can. Or if you want to air your filthy relationship laundry about cheaters or have public arguments - please never let me stop you doing that, that's my favourite. For the happier ones, on Valentine's Day, this group come out in force. From the minute you wake up, to the minute you go to sleep, there is a constant stream of messages for their other half, photos of the gifts they got (at least one person will get a giant personalised cookie I guarantee), they even tag themselves into wherever they've booked themselves to go to 'celebrate', most usually a meal in a fancy restaurant or a trip to the cinema. Because they're always original. And tagging themselves is especially useful as it tells you what areas to avoid that night to avoid a horrendously boring conversation with them about their day - so it's not all bad. 

2) "The person I'm dating is quite nice so I'm going to be cute and quietly celebrate it"
This is the type of couple all couples should aspire to be. By all means get each other a gift, or go for a meal, or sit in silence at home, just don't tell us about it. Which is why these people are perfect. They do their own thing, and don't inflict the boring stories on anyone else. Learn from these group number 1. 

3) "I'm going on a first date on Valentine's Day"
For heaven's sake, never do this. First dates are normally dreadfully awkward until someone's had a few drinks so don't punish yourself by doing it on such a 'romantic' night. I personally hate the concept of a first date. I think I've watched too many dating programmes like Take Me Out, The Undateables, and First Dates so I've witnessed too many car crash dates. If there was a way to skip an awkward first date and move to the second I happily would. But then again, I've only been on one sort of date, and the success in that story lies in the fact I'm still single. If there's one piece of advice I can give you today, it's if you're that desperate to go on a first date, make it the week after instead. There's no rush. You probably found them on Tinder or Plenty Of Fish anyway, so they'll be happy to wait, they've got nothing else to do. 

4) "Is it Valentine's Day?"
These are the couples who've been together for ages and ages and forget this day exists. These are the true relationship goals. 

5) "I'm single on Valentine's Day so my whole world is ruined and I'm just going to tweet about my loneliness all day"
There's two types of single people on this earth: happy ones and miserable ones. The miserable ones hate being single, are generally desperate for a relationship and Valentine's Day is their time to shine in their misery. They think it's the end of the world that they haven't got a Valentine, or that they won't receive a card or won't get a romantic meal. Get a fucking grip. They won't be reading this as they're too busy swiping every single person in the hope they can sort a quick date by Saturday. In my opinion, if this is the way you think, then your life is clearly bleak in other departments. Get a better hobby, get some better mates, find a better alcohol to drink that makes you want to have fun, just do something else instead of being miserable. If I had a friend like this, I'd probably avoid them in every situation as I can't deal with negativity. Unless it's my own negativity and in that case I want everyone to listen to it because I am a massive drama queen. Seriously though, if you know someone like this, take them on a good night out please. Buy them a jager, find a club that plays the Spice Girls, and make them have a good time without searching for someone to have a club neck with. And if you're the type of person who likes to go out only so they can search for a new club neck, remember that you're probably out with a friend who's had to go and sit in the smoking area and ring one of your other friends for company as you've been shit. All valuable life lessons for you. 

6) "I'm single, I don't give a fuck about Valentine's Day so let's have a wine or 20"
And finally we come to the best group. Which is obviously the one I'm in. No bias at all. The ones who are single and happy about it. I love being single. There's no relationship dramas, I can get drunk and act like an idiot with no one complaining (kind of), I can see all my friends all the time I want, I can look as unattractive as I want, and I get to spend a lot of spare time with my one true love: Netflix. I'm currently watching the whole of Grey's Anatomy again and I wouldn't swap that for anyone. But with Valentine's Day, comes Galentine's Day (thanks to Parks and Rec for that handy phrase). A day, or weekend in this year's case, to spend contemplating just how sassy you are without a boy/girlfriend. It's a known fact that most people lose 40% at least of their existing sassiness when they enter into a relationship. This way we get to keep that sass, and appreciate our other sassy friends at the same time. I celebrate Galentine's the same way each year. The 13th consists of going on a big night out with my best friend and anyone who wants to be sassy enough to join. Last year we went to the Lord Mayor's Ball. This year it's a much less classy affair in Manchester, but I'll find a new mayor I'm sure. Then it's followed the day after by a night of wine, pizza, sassy films with independent women, more wine, maybe some karaoke, and then a bit more wine. Essentially this is how I spend every weekend, it's just this time it's got a title. 

And there we have it, an exploration into the many different types of Valentines and how they will spend their days. So I suppose I should say, Happy Valentine's Day!

Again, if you've reached the end of this blog, then thank you so much. Please feel free to comment and share this post as the more views, the happier I am and the more I want to blog. 
Also if you've not noticed, I've recently set up a Facebook page for the blog, where you can follow all the latest posts, developments and help me with future posts and I would LOVE it if you would like it. 
The link is here: https://www.facebook.com/fatfunnyfabulous and if you want to share it on Facebook or any social media site then please don't let me stop you!
Thank you again :)

Stay Sassy xo