Being the life disaster I am, I have had more than my fair share of holiday dilemmas and traumas. And if they've not happened to me, they've definitely happened to someone I know. So being a little hero, and because I only came back from my holiday last week so can't think of anything else to write about, here's a handy little guide of not what to do on holiday.
Don't book anywhere without stalking Trip Advisor
This is probably the most sensible advice I've ever given on here. I am OBSESSED with Trip Advisor. I will happily spend days on it before booking somewhere to go, which is probably why I only booked my holiday this year with a month to spare. If you find a place that's really cheap but people say it's unclean and the food is shit, do some overtime or sell a leg and go somewhere better. I once booked a trip to Pontins as our first ever "girls holiday" when we were 16, only to search it and read 50 million reviews about there being shit all over the walls and blood on the curtains. Needless to say I've still never been to Pontins.
Don't walk into the pool with your phone in your pocket
Sounds obvious but last week my best friend walked into the pool and stayed there for about 15 minutes not knowing his phone was in his pocket. A week of it sitting in rice and absolutely no holiday selfies later, it still doesn't work. Don't make this painful mistake, I would never survive the torture.
Don't lose every single moral you've ever had, just a large percentage of them
Essentially as soon as you even begin packing for your holiday, you instantly lose your moral compass. At home it's seen as frowned upon to drink unknown alcohol from a bucket and then throw up next to a naked man on the street, but still stay out for 5 more hours until you can put a towel on a sunbed and die of shame in public. But in any charming resort abroad, this is perfectly acceptable. Sort of. Fortunately and unusually for me, holidays actually make me more sensible. I'm normally like the 2nd most sober one, I never misbehave (mostly) and I'm basically an angel (obviously). I think this is only because on every weekend of my life I'm a mess so foreign countries make me behave better, thankfully. I'm a big fan of having no morals on holiday, but I feel like there needs to be a limit. For example, by all means sleep your way around Spain and find yourself and come back with the greatest anecdotes known to humankind, but maybe avoid the creeps and the dickheads and the old ones and the too young ones and the absolute cretins of society, otherwise you're more desperate than fiercely independent.
Don't be sick in your bed
Maybe speaking from experience. Don't get really drunk on the first night, throw up in your bed and then have to sleep in towels for the next week until the cleaner comes and changes your bedding. It will be uncomfortable, unclean and you will never be allowed to forget about it because it will be brought up for years and years and years. You live and you learn. And then you do it the next year. And then you actually live and learn.
Don't drunk text
I am in full support of drunk texting. I've said before, if someone can't handle your drunken texts at 6am when you're attempting to be a charmer, then they don't deserve actual sober charming you any other time of the day. Plus i think drunk texts are a wonderful compliment and I love receiving them. But I'm biased because I am a horrendous drunk texter so I have to say all of that to make myself feel better. However on holiday drunk texts get worse and way more severe because you haven't packed your morals with you so you forget normal people have limits. So they should definitely be avoided. Otherwise you will have to spend a day in shame, and then even more days in shame when you realise you sent the text meant for just the one person to one of your friends on the holiday with you and other rogue people in your phonebook, all by accident. And then all your friends read all your drunk texts aloud and then quote them to you every single day on holiday. And still quote them to you a week later. That type of torture is not worth it. Save the drunken texts for 5am on a Saturday morning when you've had your 50th double vodka, I guarantee it's a safer time. Unless you're me and there is never a safe time after 2 bottles of wine.
Don't go on holiday with a bitch
Luckily this hasn't happened to me. I'm more likely to be the bitch people won't go on holiday with. But I've heard horror stories. If any part of you doesn't like the person you're planning to go away with, then don't go away with them. Simple. After a few days of heat, sunburn and sangria, everything will come out into the open and you will hate each other more than you ever thought was possible. I've had many a holiday argument but that was with my best friends and we were fine after a day. I imagine if you don't actually like the person there's every chance you will kill each other and death isn't the answer.
Don't do karaoke at 3am anywhere too close to your hotel
I love drunken karaoke, even more than I love drunk texting. I will do it anywhere and anytime. But I will never do it in my own hotel or very close by. Reason being is you may not remember everyone in that bar, but after a rousing rendition of Enrique Iglesias' 'Hero', I can guarantee they will all remember you and you won't be able to attend the Greek night in there the night after.
Don't forget your money
If you're going abroad, don't forget your foreign money. I went to New York and forgot ALL of my dollars. Luckily it was a family holiday so thankfully everything was paid for but still wouldn't recommend it.
Don't fly hungover
If you value your happiness or sanity, never do this. I've never done this but I've flown next to my hungover sister. It was a short flight from Dublin but it lasted hours and hours. The fact that there was hardcore turbulence did not help the situation or my happiness and sanity. Even the cabin crew felt sorry for me, I could see it in their eyes.
Don't post any photos of you going drunken skinny dipping on Facebook
Luckily for the eyes of Europe and yonder, I've never skinny dipped. But I know a lot of people have because they think it's a genius idea to put the photos on all social media. Don't do this. Unless I fancy you and in that case it is more than ok.
Don't get a foreign lover, hand over your life savings, then realise he was only using you for our green card
We've all been there.
I hope these holiday tips have in some way helped you in your life journey or at least made you realise that essentially I should never be allowed to go on holiday.
Thank you for reading and if you share this on social media I will love you forever.
Stay Sassy xo
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