They say write about what you know. And if there's one thing I know about more than anything, apart from being a sassy checked shirt wearing lesbian, it's how to get drunk and make the most of a night out. I'm currently dying of a horrendous midweek hangover so all my mind can think about today is alcohol and recovering from alcohol, which means this is what my blog will have to be about today. It's a miracle I'm even able to type. You're all welcome. Some people frown upon drinking too much alcohol, especially medical people. And the bores. But I say there ain't no party like a wine party so I strongly encourage drinking. How else are you meant to serenade passers by with a homeless man's guitar? I'm not advising you spend every night downing all the vodka in sight, but the odd (or every) Friday night is a spectacular idea. So I thought, after years of practice and perfecting the science, I thought I would give some clearly amazing tips on how to not ruin your life on a night out...sort of.
But first some drinking context so I can prove my credentials. I only starting drinking 3 years ago, a month before I turned 18. Because apparently I used to be a sensible soul. And I was terrified of being sick. I even went to Glastonbury & Magaluf without getting that drunk. Then I went to university and somehow found myself as the person who held all the pre drinks, perfected the art of throwing an amazing party and pissing off everyone I lived with, and managed to get myself known by most of the staff & regulars in a certain Liverpool haunt. Contrary to what this blog might make me look like, I don't drink every night and get black out drunk all the time - I just have my weekly night out and make a few mistakes along the way. I like to think of myself as someone who knows how to have a good time, within reason & without drugs, but with a cheeky drunken cigarette thrown in for good measure. So let's explore my personal tips on how to have an alright night out.
1) The Perfect Predrinks
I'm not one to brag but I see myself as a bit of an expert on predrinks. In fact the knowledge I have is enough to cover a whole new blog post, and it will do, eventually (so don't all get too excited). A good predrinks is the key to a good night out. Preferably it needs to have a bit of a party atmosphere: in someone's flat or house with the greatest playlist of all the songs you never would admit you love (Jamelia & Gabrielle), with a good group of people who don't take themselves too seriously and are more than happy to dance at any given moment. I have spent years of my life perfecting the predrinks experience to the point where if you're reading this and haven't attended one of mine, then you have my deepest sympathies and my most sincerest invite to the next one. I lived in student accommodation for nearly two years and although I wasn't always best friends with people I lived with (again, another blog post) I created the signature piece every predrinks needs. A moment. In my case it's the Adele moment. This is when about half an hour before everyone is good to go, when everyone is drunk but hasn't yet got itchy feet, you whack on a classic song and serenade each other. I chose Someone Like You. And it's probably one of my favourite memories in life. To the point now where if the song is played anywhere, or anytime, someone will always shout my name so I can pretend I'm Adele for the 53083085th time.
2) Choosing the Right Club at the Right Time
I'm pretty confident that the decision of what club to go to and when causes more stresses, drama and arguments than any other life event. Probably. Everyone always wants to start and end in different places, and no one will ever agree. So you normally have to negotiate and go with the majority and end up in a place where the lampost outside has more personality and prospects than most of the cretins inside. I personally don't bother and go wherever I want to go and moan if we go somewhere we don't like, but that's because I'm a dick. I will always try anywhere more than once, it all just depends on my actual mood that night. But my top advice is just go the place everyone wants to go, then sneak off and do your own thing. Essentially you can take me to as many places as you want, you'll just be able to find me in the Raz at 4am without a shadow of a doubt.
3) Sing & Dance Like You're Adele & Beyonce Combined
There's nothing worse than being on a night out with someone who is just standing on the dance floor still and not giving their all to the latest One Direction song. If you can't pretend you're Harry Styles on a Friday night for a fleeting minute, when can you? I don't believe there's a lack of talent on a dance floor, just a lack of enthusiasm. Technically I'm actually a trained singer and dancer through LIPA. I was 10 and quit after a year because as it turns out, I can't sing or dance, but technically I probably sort of count as alumni. Maybe. But I haven't let lack of talent stop me. No no. I don't care if you are a little open mic superstar, or if you can't hold a single note in tune like my charming self, when any song with words is played, I want to hear you belt out every single word loudly and proudly. And when Girls Aloud comes on, I want you to pretend you are Cheryl herself and perform every dance move known to man. Otherwise, just go home. And never go out again.
4) Why hold back Drunk Texting or Snapchatting?
Oh dear god, if there's one thing I can excel at it's drunk texting and snap chatting. I'm a true professional. Once you've came out via drunk texting you know you've reached your limit of having absolutely no dignity left. My motto is, go wild. Drunk text all you like, whether it's to friends, family or anyone you even find mildly attractive. Do it. My theory is, if they can't handle you drunk and fabulous, then they don't deserve you sober and sassy. I love receiving a drunk text, but that's probably because I love any form of social interaction. So go for it. Have no regrets. I spend my life saying I will stop drunk texting, and yet I constantly wake up and want to throw my phone away. No regrets. And if you fancy spiralling out of control and turning to snapchat to send personal selfies of yourself to certain people, just do it. Because you'll never be able to see that photo again so you can just pretend it never happened. Unless you decide to add every single photo and video to your snapchat story to give people a 300 second delightful short film to watch when they wake up. Because apparently that's now my favourite activity. Essentially if I have you on snapchat I apologise profusely. Although who doesn't want photos of me pouting in every club toilet in Liverpool?
5) Take All the Selfies All the Time
Do it. I take approximately 3500 photos for every night out. Each one I will spend a good few seconds longer than necessary trying to make my fringe suave. Then I wake up and see how horrendous all the photos are and decide they will never see the light of day. However occasionally you will get that special one, and be so made up that you have found a new profile picture and choose that perfect Instagram filter to only have just your mum like it on Facebook. True story.
6) Strictly No Drama...Unless it's Major Goss
If there's one fact in life is that if you get a group of girls all together with countless bottles of Echo Falls and Glen's vodka then there's going to be some form of drama. From someone bitching about someone else to another girl desperately wanting to be single/a new boyfriend/an ex boyfriend/their actual boyfriend to another girl thinking her life is over for whatever reason - there will be something. My answer is this: if you see someone having a bit of drama, tell them to get a grip and avoid them till they've got that grip. Only 1 exception to this rule - if its MAJOR drama. If someone confesses their undying love, or does something especially scandalous, you have 2 jobs: get all the gossip, then run to the other side of the club and keep dancing. No one wants to be stuck with the crier. And I've been the crier many a time so I can say this.
7) Work Your Smoking Areas
The smoking area is my time to shine. I don't smoke sober, I think it's a horrible habit. But then I have a few drinks and I want a cigarette to make me drunker and allow me to socialise with absolute strangers. So technically I'm a sort of smoker. Only a social & drunk one. Don't judge. The amount of people who claim they don't smoke/hate smoking/have asthma and then crawl out of the woodwork once they see a packet going round at 4am is shocking. I LOVE a smoking area. I don't know why I enjoy befriending every single poor boy and girl but it's probably one of my favourite hobbies. Plus the amount of vague friendships I've made whilst smoking is almost beautiful. And the amount of people I've told my exact work shifts and location is almost terrifying. But sort of beautiful. Plus it's extra beautiful when you see them a few weeks later and can bond over how much of a drunken mess you were and then dance together and confirm you are best friends all over again. It's my mission in life to know every person who goes to Raz, and I can't lie, it's scary how well I'm doing on this life choice.
8) To Neck or Not To Neck?
I'm not a big club necker. Simply because of 3 things: I'm not the most attractive of gals ( for what I lack in looks I more than make up for in sass), I'm not actually observant enough to even notice if anyone flirts with me, and the challenge of finding someone even vaguely bisexual in a straight club is often far too much effort for me to attempt to try. My gaydar is perfect, but then I get distracted by S Club playing and instead try to be Rachel Stevens. Plus some of my past experiences in this area have ended in phone calls from angry girlfriends, homophobic abuse and the slight issue of sexual assault which are clearly my dream 3 events. We can joke about this all now, but my track record is absolutely shocking. And I would do a blog all about this but there's not a chance I can be bothered to personally blog about people. I'd feel too much like Perez Hilton and no no no, we all saw Big Brother. However, when it comes to club necking, my motto is why not. If they seem like a normal character and not a creep, you may as well. If an attractive bisexual/lesbian wanted to neck me, I wouldn't say no, who would. So go wild. Unless they look like they could be a killer/in a relationship/is a dick to your friends/you are just out with another person and it would mean them being abandoned. Don't be that person who gets off with a dick.
9) When You Have to be the Third Wheel
There has been many a time that I have been so much of a third wheel that I may as well have come out dressed as a tyre. I have 3 tips if you've been left: either go make some new mates in the smoking area, dance alone, or drunk tinder. These are your only options. And if you do all three of these at the same time, you're bound to at least have a mildly hilarious anecdote in the morning. Possibly.
Hopefully you can put some of these tips to use at some point in your life, and if you do, let me know how it goes via Facebook or Twitter along with any comments or future post suggestions!
Stay Sassy xo
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