One of my special skills in life is being broke. I could be given £1000 today and have none of it left by this time tomorrow. Easily - there's plenty of checked shirts and wine to be bought. I permanently spend my life treading the fine line between having no money and being sad and having little money and spending it on cheap alcohol so that I am able to take perfect drunk selfies for one night and one night only. Everyone who knows me well knows that I am terrible with money. I don't know the meaning of the word budget. And now I've actually got a job I definitely don't know the meaning of the word budget. For example, thinking of the amount of money I spend on Friday nights makes me feel physically sick. So winning the lottery would be a dream. I think it would take me a bit longer than a day to spend millions so that would be wonderful. I feel like I could do spectacular things with the money so thought why not tell you them all, in the hope that if anyone reading this wins the lottery, they might give me some. A gal can dream.
1) Move Out
This is obvious. My only plan for the year is move out into a sassy flat with my sassy best friend for a lifetime of wine, parties and gayness. The sooner the better. The longer I spend living with my parents the quicker my soul is slowly drying up. And they know this. They want a life without predrinks and checked shirts everywhere. There's a mutual agreement that they have to go on weekends away to give us space and give me a space for a party each weekend. And by mutual I mean, I force them out of the country both purposely and just accidentally because they're sick of me. I miss living out and being independent-ish and have people round all the time and having pre-parties, parties and after parties, and the favourite part of any night out, the next day analysis. It's less fun over text, there's only so far emojis can convey my true feelings about just how creepy someone was or just how much I ruined my life in one short period of time. And if the flat could be looking over a river or sea or water feature then that would be beautiful.
2) One Massive Holiday
I would then gather every single person I love and a few I mildly like who can be an occasional laugh and take us all to some distant exotic land to stay for a few weeks in a massive house and just have an absolute ball. There would only be 2 rules: 1) no couples because no one wants to be on holiday as a third wheel, the more fun one can come, and 2) if anyone gets really drunk and is sick on themselves in bed which I definitely definitely clearly have never done, it can never be mentioned again. Especially on Facebook.
3) American Road Trip
Go to every state for a bit. Get lots and lots of cheap and tacky souvenirs. Get lots and lots of stereotypical selfies in every single place. Sorted.
4) Buy A Few Casual Houses
I'd become a little modern day sassier Kirsty & Phil and buy a place to waste my life away in a few various locations. I'd have a flat in Manchester & London purely for G-A-Y purposes, then a seaview place in Brighton and LA, then a charming apartment in San Francisco and New York. Clearly I'm apparently winning all the money in the world to be able to afford this but that's never stopped Sarah Beeny (niche reference, I realise this).
5) Open a Liverpool G-A-Y
If you don't know what G-A-Y is then you've clearly not read any of this blog or ever spoken to me or ever had the world's greatest night out. It's the best gay club there is and it's probably impossible to have a bad night out there, unless you're my poor sister when we all got too drunk for her to handle. Or you're my poor sister when she thinks she's the sober one but in a strange and alarming twist of events, I was the sober one. A room wall to wall with gay people is the dream. And the sassy straight boys and gals of this beautiful world. But the closest one is in Manchester, which requires spending £12 on getting the last train there and the first-ish train back home - a charming journey full of shenanigans but once you're walking through Lime Street at 7am with the go getters of the day, all the charm is lost. Therefore I think if we had a Liverpool one and I was in charge of it, then it would probably be an alarming success and even Michelle Visage, my all time idol, would think I was the Queen of the Gay Community.
6) Bring Out My Own Range of Checked Shirts
I can't even put into words how perfect of a career this would be. And then I would have an entire room filled with all the checked shirts. And I would hire someone to iron them instead of trying to "wear the creases out"
7) Pay Someone To Sing Adele Songs To Me All Day
Adele is one of my many heroes. Her songs are the greatest things to happen to music, apart from S Club, all girlbands and any attractive lesbian who can sing (essentially Lucy Spraggan). So if I could just have someone to serenade me with Adele and slow versions of classic 90's and 00's songs such as the complete works of NDubz, that would be ideal. Even better, I'd just pay Adele all the money in the world to personally sing to me on a weekly basis. I think I'd probably sell my signed Saturdays CD for that. Which would probably get me about £2.50. Bless them.
8) Get My Own Talk Show
If there's one thing I'm perfect at doing it's interviewing people I've never met before about the deepest darkest secrets, and surprisingly getting perfect answers whilst also subtly taking the piss. Normally this is at 4am after all the wine, and the victim is normally some absolute creep who thinks he's God's gift to the poor women of Liverpool. Transfer this to a studio, with actual famous people, and then let me basically be the UK version of Ellen DeGeneres and I'll never annoy anyone again. Apart from weekly on the TV. And constantly on social media.
9) Get A Pet Whale
I'd buy a beluga whale and let it live in the sea but just have a really really really long lead so I can take it on walks whilst I stand on a moving boat next to it. That's the plan.
10) Obviously Open My Own Vineyard
Obviously I'd find a way to make my own wine. Think Echo Falls but classier. I'd make it dirt cheap for all the future fun loving gals, and you'd get a weekly discount if you could prove that you were using your drunkenness for good. Like you gave a fiver to a homeless man because he had a cute dog. Or for not waking up someone's elderly mother at the world's worse excuse of an after party. But if you go for a wee in the woods then you can have it for free because clearly that's punishment enough. Clearly all these stories are completely fictitious and definitely didn't happen at the weekend.
11) Build My Own Raz in My House
Again, obviously. I'd build a basement club which only played terrible music and then I'd go round the smoking areas of the city and round up some of the most fun characters and let them pop in for a jungle juice or 20. We'd have regular nights where all the faves can come and drink for free (which I seriously think all clubs should introduce) and we can all dance the night and morning and next day away. But if you went home before 4am you'd be banned for life. I don't need that negativity in my life.
12) Open A PreDrink Business
University provided me with the greatest lesson a girl could ever learn: how to perfect the art of throwing predrinks and afterparties. To the point where it's almost an offence if I go to a below standard one these days. I feel like this knowledge is wasted just on me and I should share it with the world. And eventually I will do a blog post on it, but for now let's all pretend that I could make money from it.
13) Set Up A Charity
Finally I would actually do something nice and pleasant and set up a charity to help LGBT people everywhere as homophobia is still everywhere and it shouldn't be. But that's a whole new less light hearted blog post.
Once again if you've read all of this then I adore you in every single way. If you enjoyed it then please feel free to share it on a social media or 20 and please like us on Facebook or follow me on Twitter
Stay Sassy xo
Fab, fab, fab xxx
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